"Remember, people will judge you by your actions not your intentions. You may have a heart of gold but so does a hard boiled egg." - Maya Angelou

Are you no contact with a parent and wondering what they’re saying about you in regards to the estrangement? Or maybe you’ve already heard the version they’re broadcasting to extended family and friends and it’s so far from the truth that your blood is boiling.

As both an estranged adult child and a therapist who specializes in supporting people through estrangement, I want to call out a truth so many of us already know: estranged parents often twist the truth to protect their image.

If you’ve ever felt gaslit by the narrative your estranged parent is spinning (or you know they’re more than capable of casting you as the villain), you’re not alone. Here are the most common things estranged parents say about their estrangements and the truths that reveal why their words don’t hold up to reality.

1. “My child cut me off without warning.”

The truth: Children don’t walk away from loving parents.

If you’re like me, you can probably name dozens of moments when you tried to let your parent know their words or actions were hurting you only to be ignored, invalidated, mocked, or guilt-tripped. Estrangement doesn’t come out of nowhere. Parents who never saw their children as full people are always “shocked” when those children finally get up and walk away.

2. “My child is being brainwashed by their spouse/therapist/social media.”

The truth: Blaming outsiders is easier than taking accountability.

Estranged parents lean on this excuse because it spares them from having to face the people they’re really upset with—themselves. A strong, safe, and supportive parent-child relationship isn’t undone by a partner, a therapist, or a post online. If outside voices have resonated with you, it’s because they gave language to what you already knew deep down. You weren’t brainwashed—you were validated.

3. “My child is mentally ill.”

The truth: Mental health challenges don’t erase lived experience.

Slapping on a label—the more stigmatized, the better—is one of the most common ways estranged parents try to discredit their children. Even for those of us who live with anxiety, depression, or CPTSD, that doesn’t make our memories less accurate, our perceptions less true, or our boundaries less valid. Pathologizing us isn’t insight. It’s just another attempt to silence us.

4. “My child is too sensitive/too angry/too unforgiving.”

The truth: Your feelings are your feelings.

Anger is a natural response to mistreatment. Sensitivity is not something to be ashamed of. Wanting accountability is not the same thing as being “unforgiving.” Labeling you as “too much” is just another way estranged parents try to dodge responsibility. Your emotions didn’t cause the estrangement. Their refusal to respect them did.

5. “I did my best. Parenting doesn’t come with a manual.”

The truth: Good intentions don’t erase harm.

As a parent myself, I’ll just come right out and say it: there are no participation trophies in parenting. Having good intentions isn’t a magical wand. And let’s just pretend your parent was doing the best they could. This still doesn’t erase the pain their “best” caused you. Impact outweighs intent. Always.

Why This Matters

Hearing your estranged parent’s version of events—especially when it spreads through extended family or shared social circles—can shake your confidence and make you question yourself. That’s the power of these lies: they’re designed to protect the estranged parent’s image while making you doubt your reality.

But their narrative doesn’t erase your experience. In fact, the way they twist the story is further proof of why you needed to walk away in the first place.

Estrangement from a harmful parent isn’t betrayal. It isn’t abandonment. It isn’t abuse. It’s self-preservation, plain and simple.

With the holiday season just around the corner, I know just how heavy no contact can feel right now. If this resonates with you and you’re looking for a way to heal from your own estrangement with a difficult, abusive, absent, or neglectful parent, I created I Won’t Be Home for Christmas, a guided journal for estranged adult children. It’s designed to help you untangle the lies, trust your own lived experience, and heal with the only real closure there is—the closure you give yourself. No contact might be a part of your story, but that doesn’t mean it gets to be the whole story.