“I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone.” - Robin Williams

I’m taking a moment between therapy sessions to talk about something many mother wound survivors quietly wrestle with: the possibility that ending your relationship with your mom might be safer, healthier, and more sustainable than staying and trying to make it work.

Deciding to go no contact with a parent is an incredibly personal decision. Only you can ultimately know what’s right for your mental health, your unique situation, and your overall well-being. No therapist, sibling, partner, or blog post can make that choice for you. Ultimately, this is one of those times when you’ll need to trust yourself to choose the path that’s right for you. That trust might feel shaky at first. It often does. It’s okay to let it grow as you do.

And before we dive in, an important note: While this post focuses on moms, parents of any gender can behave in ways that make estrangement necessary. If your experience involves another parent, feel free to mentally swap in whoever fits.

The Current Reality With Your Mom

If you’re reading this, there’s a good chance your relationship with your mom hasn’t been good, maybe for a very long time. You’ve tried. Really tried. You’ve initiated the hard conversations. You’ve set the boundaries. You’ve explained yourself again and again. You’ve done the emotional labor. You’ve given grace that’s never returned. And somehow, things still haven’t gotten better. If anything, they’ve gotten worse. At this point you feel:

• Exhausted: “Is it supposed to be this hard with my own mother?”

• Overwhelmed: “How much longer can I keep doing this?”

• Dismissed: “Why can’t she just be accountable?”

Meanwhile, your mom is taking up more and more space in your head—space meant for your kids, your partner, your friendships, your work, your peace (whatever’s left of it). You’ve heard about adult children going no contact and wondered if that might be right for you. And then the doubt creeps in:

• “Maybe I’m overreacting.”

• “It’s not that bad.”

• “Other people have it so much worse.”

• “Don’t all moms love their kids?”

But deep down? You’re not sure anymore. Something in you is beginning to question the stories you were taught about what you owe her and whether staying is actually costing you more than leaving ever could.

Estrangement: The Path No One Takes Lightly

If you’re considering going no contact with your mom, I don’t need to know your whole story to know this: you’ve been deeply, deeply hurt by her. Thinking about orphaning yourself from your own mother, the person you depended on for your very survival, isn’t a decision any adult child makes lightly. You didn’t arrive at this crossroads because it was “trendy,” “the easy way out,” or “fun.” You’re here because one simple, painful truth is beginning to emerge: the pain of staying may finally be greater than the pain of leaving.

For many survivors, this turning point doesn’t arrive suddenly. It builds quietly over years and sometimes decades of hurt, disappointment, confusion, and emotional exhaustion. It arrives after you’ve tried every possible avenue to make the relationship workable: being the “bigger person,” initiating conversations, adjusting your tone, shrinking your truth, setting softer boundaries, letting things go “to keep the peace,” and hoping against hope that things might finally change.

But if you’re here, reading this, it’s because things aren’t changing. Things aren’t getting better. And now something inside you is saying, “I can’t keep living like this.” Your inner voice, the one you were taught to silence, is finally starting to speak louder than your conditioning. That voice matters, and it’s trying to get your attention. It’s not being dramatic, disloyal, or ungrateful. It’s trying to keep you safe.

If you’re wondering whether going no contact with your mom might be the healthiest choice, here are five signs worth paying attention to.

1. Your Mom Invalidates Your Feelings and Concerns

Think back to the last time you went to your mom about something she’d said or done that you experienced as hurtful or offensive. (If you can’t remember the last time you felt able to approach your mom like this, this tells you everything you need to know.) How did your mom respond to you? Did she:

• Listen openly to what you had to say?

• Show genuine respect for and care for your feelings?

• Make you feel heard, understood, and most importantly believed?

If your answer is “no” to any of these questions, your nervous system is trying to tell you something important. Healthy mother–adult child relationships, like all healthy relationships, require mutual respect.

If your mom makes a habit of dismissing your concerns or invalidating your feelings, she’s showing you she’s not capable right now of the kind of relationship you deserve.

2. Your Mom Doesn’t Respect Your Boundaries

Speaking of healthy relationships, boundaries are another must. Unsurprisingly, abusive and emotionally immature moms often act as though their children’s boundaries don’t apply to them. This is something I talk about frequently with my community on Instagram, Facebook, and Patreon.

When you set a boundary with your mom, her response is telling. What does she do? Does she respect your boundary (the only truly acceptable answer), or does she:

• Argue with you about your boundary?

• Ignore your boundary altogether?

• Guilt-trip you about your boundary?

• Accuse you of being mean, selfish, or demanding?

If your mom can’t respect your boundaries, she’s not respecting you as a person. And like we talked about earlier, without mutual respect, a healthy relationship simply isn’t possible no matter how much you love her or how hard you try.

3. You Feel Like You Owe Your Mom a Relationship

One of the biggest reasons people stay in dysfunctional relationships with abusive or neglectful moms is because they feel obligated. The thinking often goes like this: “But she’s my mom. She sacrificed so much for me. I have to stay.”

The thing is, loving moms don’t make their children feel indebted to them. Remember: the whole point of parenting is to love your children unconditionally without expecting repayment, compliance, or lifelong access in return. The only people any of us owes a relationship to is our own children, and your mom, regardless of her questionable behavior, certainly doesn’t fit the bill.

When your mom chose to become your mother, you didn’t get to choose to be her child. You had zero say in the matter. Remember: If anyone has the right to walk away from a relationship that’s not working for them, it’s someone who never consented to the relationship in the first place.

4. Your Mom Gaslights You

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that’s very common amongst abusers, and abusive mothers are no exception. If your mom has a history of gaslighting you, good for you for flagging this as dangerous. The main reason gaslighting is so harmful is because it has the power to manipulate abuse survivors into questioning and doubting their own sense of reality. And when the person doing the manipulating is someone children of all ages should be able to trust, their own mother, the betrayal cuts even deeper. While gaslighting can occur in a near-infinite number of ways in dysfunctional mother–child relationships, it most often sounds like:

• "You’re so sensitive.”

• “It was just a joke. Calm down.”

• “That never happened.”

• “You’re imagining things.”

• “I’d never say something like that.”

• “Stop being so dramatic.”

• “You’re just looking for things to be upset about.”

If these phrases feel familiar, that’s not you “being so dramatic.” That’s you recognizing emotional abuse. To learn more about moms who gaslight, click here.

5. Your Mom Rejects Your Identity

A truly loving mother cherishes her children for who they authentically are. This means embracing every aspect of their identity: their gender, sexuality, race, personality, and anything else that makes them uniquely themselves. If your mom rejects or criticizes your identity, tries to mold you into someone you’re not, or loves you based on your ability to meet her expectations, then that “love” you’re receiving from her isn’t really love at all.

You deserve more than mere tolerance or surface-level acceptance. You deserve to be fully celebrated, valued, and loved just the way you are. Anything less can leave lasting emotional scars, and recognizing this truth is the first step toward coming home to the person you were always meant to be, not the version she tried to shape.

Final Thoughts

Deciding to go no contact with your mom is one of the hardest decisions you might ever make. It’s normal to feel conflicted. But remember: no one knows your situation better than you do.

If your mom dismisses your concerns, ignores your boundaries, plays the victim, makes you feel obligated, or rejects you for who you are, it might be time to consider whether the relationship is doing more harm than good.

Whatever you decide, know this: you are worthy of love, respect, and healthy relationships. Trust yourself to take the steps that will bring you closer to healing the mother wound, even if the next right step means moving forward without her.