Updated: Nov 4, 2021
Things haven't been good between you and your mom for a while.
You're feeling unheard, overwhelmed, frustrated, disrespected and maybe even angry.
Being with her is hard, but the idea of being without her sounds hard, too.
You find yourself wondering, "Should I stay or should I go?"
Making the decision to break up with your mom is never an easy one, and it's normal to have doubts.
In this blog post I'm giving you five of the most common signs that ending your relationship with your mom could be better than staying and trying to make it work.
Ultimately, you need to make the decision that's best for you.
You know yourself and how your mom treats you better than anyone else.
Don't let anyone else make this decision for you.
Red Flag #1: Your Mom Dismisses or Invalidates Your Concerns
Think about the last time you tried to speak with your mom about an issue or problem you had with her.
How did she respond to you?
This is super important.
Did she seem open or closed to hearing what you had to say?
Did she genuinely care about your feelings or was she invalidating?
Did you feel heard by her or did you feel dismissed or even ignored?
When a mom is capable of having a healthy relationship with her adult child, she will want to know how her child really thinks and feels about her and her actions towards them even if this knowledge might be uncomfortable for her initially.
Red Flag #2: Your Mom Ignores or Otherwise Disrespects Your Boundaries
If your mom is disrespecting your boundaries, she is ultimately disrespecting you.
If your mom is willing to walk all over your boundaries, that’s a big red flag worth paying attention to.
In a healthy relationship - whether that’s a healthy partnership, healthy marriage, healthy friendship - boundaries are respected.
It’s no different for mom-adult child relationships.
Your mom should take your boundaries seriously, and she should do everything she can to respect them.
Unfortunately, some moms see their child’s boundary and immediately go to thinking, “Ok, what do I need to do to get around this boundary?”
If your mom is one of these moms, your boundaries aren’t for respecting as far as she’s concerned.
According to her, they’re minor annoyances for her to simply jump over.
This makes your mom what I call a Boundary Jumper.
Here are some examples of boundaries my clients have needed to have with their moms.
If these boundaries were your boundaries, how do you think your mom would respond?
Would she respect them 100% or would she do or say something to try to get around them or even cancel them all together?
“Mom, I’m going to end our call if you say something hateful or unkind about gay people.”
“Mom, you can't come over to my house unannounced. I need you to call or text first.”
“Mom, you may not under any circumstances spank my children.”
“Mom, I will stop spending time with you today if you start to say mean things about my partner.”
“Mom, please don’t bring your dog when you come to my house.”
Red Flag #3: You Feel Like You Owe Your Mom a Relationship With You
No relationship is always rainbows and roses, but some relationships rarely if ever see the rainbows and roses.
And when that happens for a long time we can start to think that’s normal or “just how it is.”
This is especially true for mother-adult child relationships.
It's common for people to find themselves staying connected with their mom not because the relationship is good for them, but because they think they're obligated to be there.
My clients often tell me they felt as if they owed their mom a relationship with them.
The truth I share with my clients is this: You don't owe your mom a relationship.
If you're spending time with your mom not because you want to but because you feel like you have to, that's not a healthy relationship.
Your mom decided to be your parent.
That was her choice.
You never committed to being her friend for life.
You get to make your own choice.