Why Having Boundaries With Your Mom Feels So Hard—and Why You Still Deserve Them

“If there’s no autonomy between people, then there’s no compassion or empathy, just enmeshment. This has probably been one of the most significant, soul-shaking learnings of my career.” —Brené Brown

Photo of a dreamy blue door surrounded by ivy taken by me in Kingston, NY.

Most people don’t talk about this, but we will: having boundaries with your mom can feel like the most unnatural, anxiety-producing, impossible task in the world.

I know, because I regularly sit with clients from around the world who whisper, “I feel like a terrible person for needing to say no to my mom.” They say it with shame in their eyes—the kind of shame that doesn’t originate with them, but was handed down to them long before they had words.

And if you’re reading this, maybe something in you recognizes that moment.

Maybe you’ve had that same tug in your chest. Maybe you’ve felt guilty for saying “no” to her. Maybe you’ve felt anxious even thinking about setting limits. Maybe the idea of boundaries with your mom makes your stomach drop.

There’s a reason for that—and it’s not because you’re selfish, dramatic, ungrateful, or a “bad kid.”

It’s because you were never taught that you were allowed to have boundaries with her in the first place.

Before we dive into the how, I want to be clear about something important: When I say “mom,” I mean any parent who held that maternal role in your life.

Here at the Mother Wound Project we name harmful mothers directly not because dads or other caregivers can’t be abusive—they absolutely can—but because there’s a specific stigma and taboo around acknowledging harm by a mother.

If “mom” isn’t the right word for you, feel free to replace it with whatever best fits your experience.

What Boundaries Really Are

A boundary is simply that line between what’s okay with you and what isn’t.

It’s not punishment.

It’s not rejection.

It’s not cruelty.

It’s not manipulation.

It’s clarity.

If you’ve ever driven a car, you already understand boundaries instinctively:

• Red light? Stop.

• One-way street? Don’t turn.

• Speed limit? Stay within it.

These rules don’t mean you’re a bad person. They exist to keep people safe.

Your personal boundaries work the same way.

With your mom, a boundary might sound like:

• “I’m not talking about my divorce.”

• “I can’t come home for Christmas.”

• “Please stop commenting on my body.”

• “Now isn’t a good time for a call.”

Boundaries tell the truth about what protects your well-being. They are the opposite of selfishness—they are self-respect in action.

What Boundaries Are Not

Let’s get the biggest myths out of the way. Having boundaries with your mom is NOT:

• selfish

• mean

• unloving

• disrespectful

• abusive

• rude

And yet? When you start setting boundaries with a mother who never expected you to have any, it’s common for her to clutch her pearls as though you’ve just killed a litter of puppies.

Remember: How your mom reacts to your boundaries says nothing about your character—but everything about the health of your relationship. A healthy parent won’t punish you for protecting yourself.

Why Boundaries With Mom Feel So Damn Hard

Here’s the part nobody prepared you for: It’s not hard because you’re weak. It’s hard because the world conditioned you out of having boundaries with her.

Many adults—many highly successful according to every possible definition—struggle to set boundaries with their mothers because:

• they were punished for saying “no” as children

• they learned that love = compliance

• their mom equated boundaries with disrespect

• they were parentified or enmeshed

• they were taught to manage their mother’s feelings instead of their own

• siblings or relatives reinforced the “keep Mom happy” rule

• previous attempts to set boundaries led to guilt trips, sulking, or withdrawal

• they internalized the belief that “good kids don’t need boundaries ”

If boundaries with your mom feel terrifying, overwhelming, or wrong there is nothing wrong with you. There’s something wrong with what you had to survive.

Why You Still Need Boundaries No Matter How She Responds

Boundaries don’t just improve relationships. They make relationships possible.

Without boundaries, there’s no:

• respect

• trust

• autonomy

• emotional safety

• authenticity

If your mother refuses to honor your limits, that doesn’t mean your boundaries are flawed. It means your relationship has been missing something essential for a long time.

Your boundaries with your mom matter because they:

• prevent resentment from building

• stop emotional over-extension

• clarify what is and isn’t okay

• protect your inner world

• make genuine connection possible

• help you show up as your true self

Having boundaries won’t harm your mother, but not having them will harm you.

And boundaries with mom—contrary to what we all were taught—are not betrayal. They are an act of kindness. For you, and honestly, for her too.

As Brené Brown writes in Atlas for the Heart, “Boundaries are a prerequisite for compassion and empathy.”

Five Reminders for Navigating Boundaries with Mom

Because this stuff is hard, here are five reminders to come home to again and again:

1. Having boundaries with your mom is healthy.

Full stop.

2. Boundaries are acts of self-compassion.

You deserve rest, peace, and emotional safety.

3. Boundaries are compassionate toward your mom, too.

They foster clarity and avoid resentment.

4. Boundaries are a skill—which means you learn through practice.

And yes, sometimes that practice will include messing up.

5. Be gentle with yourself.

It’s hard to learn as an adult what you didn’t get to learn as a child.

Remember: You’re unlearning survival strategies and learning self-respect. That’s sacred work.

How Do You Know Which Boundaries You Need?

This is the question I get more than any other:

“Okay, but what boundaries do I need with my mom?”

This is where it gets a bit tricky. The boundaries you need with your mom are going to be different than the boundaries the next person needs with theirs. While I can’t tell you your boundaries, I can help you find them.

There are seven core types of boundaries that are necessary in all healthy relationships, mother-child relationships included:

• physical

• emotional

• identity

• spiritual

• time

• sexual

• economic

And I’ve created a companion guide that walks you through each category—with examples, scripts, and reflection questions.

Click here to download the “7 Types of Boundaries With Mom” Guide.

(Free PDF — perfect to print or save on your phone.)

Use the guide to scan through the seven types and notice which examples hit a nerve, feel familiar, or make your stomach clench. That’s where your boundaries with your mom will need to live.

You Deserve Relationships That Don’t Require Self-Abandonment

Boundaries with your mom don’t mean you’re being harsh. They mean you’re coming home to yourself.

You are not betraying your mother by having boundaries. You are simply ending the habit of betraying yourself.

Your need for space, clarity, or limits doesn’t make you ungrateful. It makes you human.

And you are allowed—truly allowed—to build a life where you no longer contort yourself to make someone else comfortable.

Even if that someone is your mother.