Are You an Estranged Parent? Start Here: A Guide

“If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves.” - Carl Jung

Important note: This guide is not for parents who have been alienated from their minor children without consent. This guide is for parents whose adult children have chosen distance for themselves. If you’re experiencing parental alienation—unwarranted distance from a minor child created by one or more adults—please seek out resources designed specifically for that situation.

If you’ve found your way here, chances are your adult child has pulled back. That distance might look like fewer calls, cancelled holidays, or full estrangement. And if you’re like most estranged parents, it probably feels devastating.

I want to begin with a hard truth I’ve learned as a therapist who specializes in parent-adult child relationships: estrangement doesn’t happen “out of nowhere.” It isn’t about a single disagreement or your child being “brainwashed” by someone else. Estrangement is a response to ongoing patterns like gaslighting, harsh punishment, body shaming, or emotional neglect that left your child feeling unseen, unheard, unloved, or unsafe.

That’s hard to hear. Most parents don’t want to behave in ways that are harmful to their children, and learning that they have can feel downright excruciating. It’s human to want to defend yourself, make excuses, or point the finger somewhere else. But here’s the reality: your adult child didn’t walk away to punish you. They walked away because being close felt more painful than creating distance.

This guide is not about quick fixes. It’s not about scripts to “get your child back.” It’s about courage—the courage to sit with hard truths, take full accountability, and begin the work of becoming someone your estranged child might one day trust again.

What to Do Next

1. Pause before reacting.

When fear shows up, so does reactivity. You may feel tempted to send a flurry of texts, show up uninvited at your child’s door, or vent to mutual friends and family. That’s not courage. That’s panic.

The first question to ask yourself is: Has my adult child asked me not to contact them?

• If yes, honor their boundary. Respect is the foundation of repair.

• If no, take a breath. Write the message you want to send and then set it aside. Read it again tomorrow. And the next day. Ask yourself: Am I writing from self-righteousness or respect?

2. Sit with your feelings.

Grief. Shame. Anger. Anxiety. Confusion. Estrangement cracks us wide open, and those feelings can be overwhelming. But here’s what I know from both the research and my own lived experience: numbing or outsourcing our feelings doesn’t make them go away. It just buries them alive.

Instead, practice sitting with them:

• Journal. Put words on paper instead of into a combative text.

• Get professional support. Talk to a therapist knowledgeable about estrangement who can hold your pain without villainizing your hurting child.

• Give yourself permission to rest. Wrap up in a blanket, sit outside, or snuggle with a pet. Sometimes the bravest thing is to let your emotions simply be.

And remember: feelings are not facts. Just because you feel you’re being punished doesn’t mean you are being punished. Just as leaving an unhealthy marriage isn’t abuse, stepping back from a hurtful parent isn’t abuse either. It’s self-preservation.

3. Reflect honestly.

Trade defensiveness for curiosity, playing the victim for self-awareness, and feeling sorry for yourself for introspection. Ask yourself the following questions:

• Where might I have dismissed or minimized my child’s feelings?

• When did I put my expectations over my child’s well-being?

• What dynamics might have left my child feeling unheard, unseen, or unloved?

• How did I use manipulation or control to force compliance instead of fostering connection?

• When have I given excuses or gotten defensive instead of offering [a genuine apology]?

4. Educate yourself.

If you want to understand your estranged child’s perspective, seek out the people who know it best: estranged adult children themselves.

Read their posts. Follow their accounts. Listen to their podcasts. Let their words land even when every part of you wants to look away.

Would it be easier to hunker down in an estranged parent group where everyone tells each other what they want to hear? Absolutely. But easy doesn’t equal wise. If reconciliation is your true goal, seek out the stories that stretch you, not the ones that simply soothe you.

5. Do your own work.

Reconciliation—when it happens—doesn’t grow out of guilt-trips, smear campaigns, or surface-level amends letters. It grows out of sustained accountability and genuine change. That work starts with you.

Doing your own work that means being willing to look in the mirror even when it hurts. It means trading in “I did the best I could” for “I can see the impact my choices had.” It means recognizing where your parenting fell short and committing to do better starting today, not only for your child, but also for yourself.

The Road Ahead

You cannot control whether your child will give you another chance. But you can control how you choose to meet this moment.

Estrangement is a crossroads. One path is denial, avoidance, and playing the victim. The other is courage, honesty, and humility.

Even if your child never comes back into your life, the work you do now matters. It matters because being a parent is ultimately about showing up and doing the right thing, regardless of the outcome. It matters because accountability is the only soil where broken trust can take root—whether with your estranged adult child, with others, or with yourself. And it matters because living with honesty and integrity will always cost you less than denial and regret.

Doing the work may not guarantee reconciliation, but it will guarantee this: you’ll be able to look in the mirror and know you chose courage over comfort—and that choice is never wasted.

Our founder, Stephi Wagner, supports parents and adult children who are navigating the pain of estrangement and hoping to rebuild connection. You can join her waitlist to be notified when space becomes available.

If you’re beginning your own journey toward repair, you might also find comfort and guidance in our guided journal for parents who want to reconcile "Repair: A Guided Journal for Estranged Parents Hoping to Reconcile."