How to Tell If Your Mother’s Apology Is Real

“Almost any apology that begins with “I’m sorry if...” is a non-apology.” - Harriet Lerner

A few quick words before we begin: I know this article can’t possibly be for everyone. If the past decade specializing in difficult mother-adult child relationships has taught me anything, it’s that not every hurt child who deserves to hear “I’m sorry” from their harmful mother ever will. Some mothers never apologize, and the more harmful a mother is the less likely she is to hold herself accountable. 

If you don’t know what it’s like to hear those two important words from your mom, please know this: you are not alone, and your pain is not invalidated or erased by your mother’s refusal to name it. A mother’s inability or unwillingness to apologize does not mean the harm wasn’t real. It means she hasn’t taken responsibility for it. 

Who is this article for?

This article is for anyone who has ever had a mother and wants to know whether her apology—assuming she ever uttered one—is fake, flimsy, transactional, or the real deal. 

Think of it like the Antiques Roadshow for mom apologies. We’re going to hold the thing up to the light and figure out whether it’s authentic or just a convincing fake she dragged out and hoped you wouldn’t inspect too closely. Admittedly, this is less exciting than a vintage settee, but probably more useful. 

This article is for you if:

• You hope your mom will apologize someday and you want to know what to look for if she does.

• Your mom recently apologized and now you’re wondering if she meant it or just said what she thought you wanted to hear. 

• Your mom claims she already apologized, but you don’t feel apologized to, and now you’re trying to understand why.  

• Your mom has never apologized and you know better than to expect her to become the Accountability Fairy, but you still want to understand what healthy repair looks like because she certainly didn’t teach it to you.

Whatever brings you here, welcome. I’m glad you made it to this little corner of the internet here at the Mother Wound Project. My hope is that this article helps you trust what you already know: whether your mother’s apology feels relieving, honest, and heartfelt, or whether it leaves you feeling more confused, guilty, responsible, or somehow worse than you felt before she said anything. Because a real apology should not make the harmed person feel like they just got emotionally pickpocketed.

What’s in this article?

In my work with mother wound survivors, there are four key questions I return to again and again when someone is trying to figure out whether their mother’s apology is genuine.

They are: 

1. Is your mom apologizing for her actions or for your feelings?

2. Is a “but” tagging along with her apology?

3. If repair is possible, is your mom offering it?

4. Is your mom expressing genuine remorse?

   
   

Asking yourself each question will help you decode what your mother is actually offering: accountability or a performance of accountability. Because all “I’m sorrys” are not created equal. Some apologies open the door to repair. Others are just a prettier way of saying, “Can you please stop being upset with me now?”

Everything you’ll find here comes from my work as a therapist, my role as the founder and director of the Mother Wound Project, and my own experience as a survivor. The examples are drawn from real survivors, though identifying details have been changed to protect privacy.

Let’s get into it.

1. Is Your Mom Apologizing for Her Actions or for Your Feelings?

Chances are you’ve experienced the good old “I’m sorry you feel that way” from an actually-not-sorry-at-all AirBnB host, a customer service rep who forgot the whole “service” part of their job, or an airline that sent your luggage on a staycation to a different continent. But since you’re here reading this particular article I’m going to guess you may have also had the deeply unfortunate experience of hearing this poor excuse for an apology from your very own mom. 

Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. And FWIW, the T-shirt never feels good on, but it does make an excellent cleaning rag.

Here’s the thing: you were right to feel uneasy. An apology from someone as important and influential as your mother that focuses on your feelings rather than her actions is not an apology. It’s a non-apology. 

Unlike an authentic apology, a non-apology doesn’t bring relief. In fact, one of its all-too-common hallmarks is that it makes you feel even worse than you did before. I can’t tell you how many times a client has said to me, “Honestly, I wish my mom hadn’t apologized at all,” after receiving one of these emotional papercuts dressed up as repair. 

Here’s why it feels so bad: when your mother says, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” she is not apologizing to you. She is apologizing for you. For your reaction. For your sensitivity. For your refusal to keep pretending everything is fine. But your feelings about the problem are not and never were the problem. The problem is the harmful thing your mother did, said, enabled, ignored, minimized, denied, or refused to repair. A genuine apology keeps responsibility where it belongs: with the person who caused the harm.

Psychologist Harriet Lerner, author of Why Won’t You Apologize?, writes that a wholehearted apology requires accepting responsibility “without a hint of evasion, excuse-making, or blaming.” That’s the standard. Not magic words. Not eloquence. Not a tearful monologue with dramatic lighting that leaves you rushing to comfort her. Responsibility.

A non-apology shifts the focus away from what your mother did and onto how you responded to it. It may include evasion, excuse-making, blame-shifting, or all three wearing a trench coat and pretending to be accountability. What it does not include is ownership. 

And no, “But she’s your mom!” does not magically lower the standard. If anything, we should have higher standards for our most formative relationships, not lower ones. Your mother’s role in your life is not a free pass to hurt you. It’s the reason her accountability matters so much.

Green Flag Apology Statements

A genuine apology focuses on what she did (or failed to do), not on what you felt about it. It might sound like:

• “I’m sorry I hurt you.”

• “I’m sorry I said that to you.”

• “That was wrong of me, and I’m sorry.”

• “You didn’t deserve that, and I’m sorry for how I treated you.”

• “I never should have done that. I’m very sorry.”

• “I crossed a line, and I’m sorry.”

• “I failed you there, and I want to take responsibility for that. I'm sorry.”

  
  

Notice the focus. Her actions. Her choices. Her part. That’s where an apology belongs. 

Red Flag Apology Statements

Watch out for statements that make your feelings the issue. They might sound like:

• “I’m sorry you’re so upset.”

• “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

• “I’m sorry you’re so sensitive.”

• “I’m sorry if you’re mad at me.”

• “I’m sorry you took it personally.”

• “I’m sorry you overreacted.”

• “I’m sorry you can’t let it go.”

  
  

These are not apologies. These are little blame-shifting decoys. They may sound polite. They may even sound emotionally mature to someone who isn’t paying close attention. But they’re off-kilter. Their center of gravity is wrong. A real apology clearly says, “I hurt you.” A non-apology says, “These feelings you’re having about me hurting you? They're the real problem.” Big difference.

2. Is a “But” Tagging Along With Your Mom’s Apology?

If you grew up hearing adults say, “I’m sorry, but…” chances are you spent a good chunk of your life thinking that was a normal way to apologize. I know younger me sure did. But when you stop and really think about it, that little “but” has probably never sat quite right with you. There’s a reason for that. 

A “but” after “I’m sorry” usually signals that an excuse is on its way to wipe out the apology that came before it. The “I’m sorry” part gets to stand there looking responsible and noble for half a second before the “but” charges in like a leaf blower, scattering any accountability that might have been forming. 

“I’m sorry, but I was tired.”

“I’m sorry, but you were being difficult.”

“I’m sorry, but it was just a joke.”

“I’m sorry, but I did the best I could.”

“I’m sorry, but you need to understand…”

Translation: “What I did is completely understandable, therefore I shouldn’t be held accountable for it.” 

That little “but” may bring an explanation. It may even bring context. But explanation and context are not the same thing as repair. 

Lerner puts it plainly: “When ‘but’ is tagged onto an apology, it undoes the sincerity.” The “I’m sorry, but…” apology walks in wearing accountability’s outfit, but it’s still here to defend itself.

Now, context can matter. Of course it can. A mother may have been overwhelmed. She may have been under-supported. She may have been dealing with trauma, poverty, addiction, mental illness, a bad marriage, a dysfunctional family system, or a culture that handed her the title of mother without giving her any tangible help. 

All of that may be true. 

And she still hurt you. 

A real apology can hold both truths.

Your mother was overwhelmed, and she still hurt you. Your mother didn’t have enough support, and she still failed to give you the care you needed. Your mother was repeating what was done to her, and she still caused you harm. Your mother may never have wanted to hurt you, and she can still understand that she did.  

That’s accountability. 

The problem is not context. The problem is when context is used as an escape hatch.

There may come a time when you want your mother to explain what contributed to her harm, but that still doesn’t mean she gets to use that explanation to dodge responsibility. A mother who is genuinely sorry can offer context without making context the point, while a mother who is not genuinely sorry often uses the explanation as the apology itself. 

And once the excuse becomes the apology, accountability has left the building.

Red Flag Apology Statements

Watch out for apologies where a carefully placed “but” is doing a lot of heavy lifting. 

They might sound like:

• “I’m sorry, but I only said that because of what you said.”

• “I’m sorry, but I was a single mom.”

• “I’m sorry, but lots of moms do that.”

• “I’m sorry, but I didn’t mean anything by it.”

• “I’m sorry, but you were not an easy child.”

• “I’m sorry, but it wasn’t that bad.”

• “I’m sorry, but you aren't perfect either.”

That last one is especially slippery because it sounds like fairness. Like your mother is simply pointing out that everyone makes mistakes. That no one is perfect. But you never expected perfection, let alone asked for it. You asked for accountability. 

And for someone who may have had no trouble reveling in “I’m the parent, you’re the child,” accountability should not be treated like an outrageous request. With great power comes great responsibility. If your mother benefitted from the power that comes with being a parent, she doesn’t get to clutch her pearls about the responsibility that came with it. 

Green Flag Apology Statements

An apology that centers ownership over excuses might sound like:

• “I’m sorry I said that, and I’m going to take steps to make sure I don’t say that again.”

• “I’m sorry. What I did was wrong, and there’s no excuse.”

• “My poor attempt at making a joke clearly hurt you, and I’m very sorry for that.”

• “I’m sorry. What do you need from me to help you heal from the pain I caused?”

• “I’m sorry. Yes, I was drinking when I said that, and that’s still not an excuse for my actions.”

  
  

Notice the difference. A real apology doesn’t require the harmed person to become an emotional cleanup crew. You don’t have to sweep up your mother’s shame, soothe her guilt, praise her effort, or reassure her that she’s still a good mom. A genuine apology won’t ask you to carry the apology-giver through the apology.

3. If Restitution is Possible, is Your Mom Offering It?

Not every wrong can be righted. No mother can rewind the clock and choose not to use “spanking”—aka hitting—instead of guidance and support. No mother can un-miss the moments she wasn’t there for. No mother can go back and give you the childhood you deserved. That pain is real. 

But sometimes restitution is possible, if not in full, then at least in part. Not perfect restitution. Not magical restitution. Not “Here’s a check, now pretend your childhood was idyllic” restitution.

Real restitution.

The kind that asks: “What can I do now to address the damage my choices caused?”

Because a mother who is truly remorseful won’t want to stop at letting you know she feels bad. She’ll want to do what she can to make things right where making things right is still possible.

When restitution is possible, pay close attention to whether your mother offers it freely, resists it, resents it, or makes you beg for it.

A mother who is genuinely sorry won’t need to be dragged kicking and screaming toward restitution. She may not know what restitution looks like. She may need suggestions. She may need time to think. She’s genuinely interested in the key question: “What can I do now?” That’s the question a truly apologetic mother asks.

Not: “What more do you want from me?”

Not: “Why isn’t my apology enough?”

Not: “Why are you still talking about this?”

Restitution says: “I understand that my choices cost you, and I want to do all I can to help you carry that burden.”

That cost may be emotional. It may be relational. It may be practical. It may be financial. But a genuine apology is not allergic to the idea that harmful mothering has consequences.

Maybe your mother’s harmful actions have left hefty therapy bills in their wake. Or medical bills for eating disorder treatment. Or damaged or destroyed personal possessions. Or family members who believe a distorted version of the story. The details may vary. The principle does not. 

An accountable mother understands that if her choices cost you something, genuine accountability may require those choices to cost her something, too.

What Restitution Can Look Like

If your mother took, lost, damaged, or destroyed something of yours, restitution might look like:

• Finding the item.

• Returning the item. 

• Fixing the item.

• Replacing the item.

• Paying for the item.

  
  

If your mother disclosed private information, restitution might look like:

• Telling you who she told.

• Acknowledging to those people that she shared your private information without your permission. 

  
  

If your mother played favorites between you and a sibling, restitution might look like:

• Acknowledging the favoritism to your sibling without minimizing it.

• Correcting false narratives about why the favoritism occurred. 

• Providing the same financial, practical, or emotional support she previously reserved for your sibling.

  
  

If your mother caused harm that contributed to your need for therapy, medical support, trauma treatment, or other things that come attached to large dollar signs, restitution may become more complex. This is where we need nuance.

It goes without saying that not every mother has the same financial resources. Some genuinely cannot contribute no matter how much they may want to. Some can contribute a little. And some can contribute a lot. The point is not that every mother must make the same restitution. The point is that a mother demonstrates the willingness to provide restitution for the harm she caused in ways that are commensurate with her resources.

This might look like you mother:

• Paying your individual therapy costs in full.

• Contributing as much as she feasibly can to your individual therapy costs. 

• Paying in full for the two of you to attend joint therapy together. 

• Helping with childcare, transportation, or logistics so healing is more accessible.

• Accounting for restitution in a will or inheritance.

• Asking what restitution would feel meaningful instead of deciding for you.

  
  

And let me be very clear: making restitution is not the same as buying forgiveness. Your mother does not get to throw money at the wound and then demand access, closeness, forgiveness, holidays, grandbabies, or emotional absolution. Restitution is not a transaction where she pays and you perform healing on her timeline.

It’s a selfless act of accountability. It says: “I understand that my choices cost you something, and now I want to do whatever I possibly can to help you carry that cost.” Notice how different this is from, “I said sorry. What more do you want?”

4. Does your mom express genuine remorse with her apology?

For this one there are general rules of thumb rather than hard and fast rules. This is because what communicates remorse or regret to one person might seem forced, fake or even insincere to another. And if you read this question and said, “What remorse??” do not pass go but do send your mom to apology jail. Her apology is actually a non-apology.

As you already know, there is nothing intrinsically magical when a mom or anyone else for that matter says the words “I’m sorry.” What makes these two little words meaningful (or sometimes better off left unsaid) is HOW they are expressed.

And before you listen to any likely well-intentioned friend or family member who comes rushing in to say, “Well she sounds genuine to me!” keep in mind that their opinion on this is not the opinion that matters. Yours is. After all, they aren’t the person wronged by and now receiving the apology from your mom. YOU are.

When I talk about this in coaching sessions with my mother wound clients, with the MWP community on Instagram, or over in Breakthrough, I have found that many find it helpful to think of it like "The Five Love Languages." This isn’t surprising given that Gary Chapman, author of the original bestselling book The Five Love Languages, wrote The Five Languages of Apology, too.

If you’re new to Chapman’s work or to the idea, here’s how it works: Just like what communicates love to one person can be very different from what communicates love to another - say physical touch versus quality time - the same can be said of apologies. For example, a sibling might need to hear your mom say “I never should have done that to you when you were little,” to experience her apology as genuine whereas you might need your mom to really empathize with your feelings about the past to know her apology is sincere.

Regardless of individual preferences, the bottom line is this: Nobody wants an apology that comes without a heartfelt expression of genuine remorse. So go ahead and trust yourself on this. You already know deep down if your mom seems genuinely sorry about what she did and truly remorseful about it.

Although the sincerity of someone’s remorse is often communicated by tone of voice and/or by body language, sometimes it can be expressed just as well in words too. For an apology offered over text to be authentic it will need to include words and perhaps even emojis to express remorse, as obviously tone and body gestures don’t come through over text. If your mom is offering you an authentic apology her words might sound like one or more of the examples below.

Green Flag Apology Statements

• “Thank you for telling me how my actions impacted you.”

• “I know I can’t undo the past and change what I did, but I still wish I could”

• “If I could go back in time and do things differently I would”

• “Your feelings about this are valid”

• “I’m so incredibly sorry to you for what I did. You deserved so much better”

  
  

Just like with the Green Flag Apology Statements above, a lack of remorse can often be communicated through tone of voice and/or body language, too. When it is conveyed with words by a non-apologizer mom it might sound like these next examples.

Red Flag Apology Statements

• “You aren’t still upset about that are you?”

• “Lots of people have it so much worse!”

• “You’re making a big deal out of nothing”

• “Here we go again”

• “I guess I’m just an awful mom then!"