“People will do anything, no matter how absurd, to avoid facing their own souls.” - Carl Jung

You can’t rely on estranged parents for good parenting advice. Their expertise is more in the category of what not to do. But one thing you can rely on estranged parents to do—consistently and without hesitation—is tell on themselves.

They do it in Facebook comment sections.

They do it in unsolicited email’s to therapists.

They definitely do it in estranged parent support groups (or as they call themselves, “rejected parents”—a branding decision clearly designed to make them look like the “real victims”).

And they do it constantly.

Once you know what to listen for, their own words reveal the truth:

• These estrangements didn’t come out of nowhere.

• They didn’t happen “for no reason.”

• They weren’t random.

Here are four of the most common ways estranged parents tell on themselves—without even knowing it.

1. “My estranged child has a personality disorder.”

A recent email I received from an estranged mom begins with:

“I refuse to apologize for being a PARENT. My daughter has borderline personality disorder. THAT’S why we’re estranged!”

Let’s talk about that.

Borderline personality disorder (along with narcissistic personality disorder, CPTSD and many other trauma responses to childhood abuse and neglect) is not something children are born with. It develops when a child’s needs go unmet, their feelings are invalidated, or they’re abused, neglected, or harmed in other ways.

So when a parent says, “My adult child has BPD, therefore the estrangement is THEIR fault,” what they are actually saying is:

“My child developed trauma responses because of how I raised them, and instead of being accountable, I’m blaming them for the effects.”

It’s not just incorrect—it’s an ableist self-own.

2. “My child has had problems since they were little.”

In a popular Facebook group for “rejected parents,” a mother writes:

“My son has been manipulative his whole life. Even as a toddler he hid in the clothing racks at department stores just to scare me.”

This is…simply what toddlers do.

But let’s entertain her logic for a moment.

If a small child was truly showing signs of emotional dysregulation, whose job was it to respond with support?

The toddler’s?

Or the parent’s?

Children are not born broken. But children can grow up feeling unseen, unloved, unsafe, or unworthy—and then be blamed for the very consequences of their mistreatment.

So when a parent says, “My child’s always been difficult,” what they’re unintentionally revealing is:

“My child needed help, and I failed to respond to that need.”

That’s not evidence of a “bad child.” It’s evidence of a child who didn’t get what they needed.

The truth may be uncomfortable, but reality is always more healing than denial.

3. “My estranged child is [insert insult].”

On another estranged parent forum, an estranged mother makes a post in which she refers to her daughter as:

“A real nasty bitch.”

The creator of the forum—also an estranged mom—responds not by calling this mother in for harmful language, but with:

“Hugs. Some of us just have dumb asses for children.”

Let’s be very clear.

Parents who publicly call their children names are telling on themselves.

The rule is simple: Healthy parents don’t dehumanize their children—even in conflict.

If this is how they talk about their children in public, imagine what the emotional environment was like at home.

4. “My estranged child is spoiled.”

Another favorite amongst estranged parents goes something like this:

“My child is spoiled. Nothing is ever good enough for them. That’s why they went no contact.”

There are two glaring self-owns embedded in this statement.

First:

Children don’t spoil themselves. If a parent believes their child is “spoiled,” they are also acknowledging that they had the power to give, withhold, shape, and ultimately define what support looked like. Which means they’re naming a power dynamic they don’t realize they’re confessing to.

Second:

The idea that a child can be “loved too much” is nothing more than a myth. As John Lennon once said, “You can't give a child too much love…There's no such thing.”

Love—real, attuned, compassionate parental love—does not harm. However, there is harm in:

• Infantilizing: doing things for a child that they can do for themselves to prevent them developing independence.

• Gifts with strings: giving money or material goods to make up for parental mistakes or insecurities.

• Rescuing: rushing in to solve a child’s developmentally typical problems for them.

• Micromanaging: manipulating or controlling a child’s choices under the guise of “helping.”

These behaviors are not love. They are control, manipulation, and image management dressed up as kindness and generosity.

So when an estranged parent says, “My child is spoiled,”what they’re actually saying is:

“I used giving as a way to control, and when my child grew up and saw through it, they walked away.”

They think they’re making the child look ungrateful. But what they’re really doing is revealing exactly why the child left in the first place.

Final Thoughts

Estranged parents might try to paint their estrangements as sudden, inexplicable, or rooted in their children’s flaws, but their own language reveals:

• Who was expected to regulate the parent’s emotions.

• Whose needs went unmet.

• Who held all the power in the relationship and how they used it.

• Who was allowed to have a voice and who wasn’t.

Estrangement by an adult child is not spontaneous. It’s not irrational. It’s not the fault of the person who held the least power and finally reached their limit.

Estrangement is a boundary—one that forms only when every other boundary has already been ignored, dismissed, or violated.

And here’s the part many estranged parents never stop to consider: The behaviors that caused the estrangement are the same behaviors they continue to display when talking about the estrangement. And that’s how they tell on themselves, every single time.

Estrangement is not something an adult child chooses for fun. Estrangement is the echo of unmet childhood needs.

And accountability—not blame-shifting, denial, or guilt-tripping—is the only path to reconciliation.