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When Grandma Becomes Too Much: 5 Signs Your Baby’s Better Off Without Grandma

Stephi Wagner

“It’s a terrible myth to believe that once we have children, our journey ends and theirs begins.” - Brené Brown



Are you dealing with a grandmother who’s making your pregnancy or early parenting experience far more stressful than it needs to be? Is she turning this special time into her moment, instead of focusing on you and your growing family? Maybe she’s calling your baby “our baby” (cringe), planning her own “grandma shower,” or overstepping boundaries before the baby is even born.


If any of this resonates, you’re not alone—and you’re in the right place. In this post, we’ll explore five signs that going no contact with grandma might be just as essential as choosing the right pediatrician. Let’s dive in.


1. Grandma Invalidates Your Feelings


If grandma-to-be dismisses your emotions now, there’s a good chance she’ll invalidate your child’s feelings down the line, too. Invalidation can sound like:


• “Calm down.”

• “You’re being too sensitive.”

• “It’s not that bad.”

• “Get over it.”


While these statements might seem harmless to some, invalidation is actually a form of emotional abuse. Research shows it’s linked to insecure attachment, anxiety, depression, poor-quality relationships, and even conditions like C-PTSD.


Other subtle forms of invalidation include:


• “You’re making a mountain out of a molehill.”

• “No one else is upset, so why are you?”

• “Think positive!”


If grandma-to-be brushes off your feelings as “too much,”it’s a clear signal that she could negatively impact your emotional well-being—and your baby’s.


2. Grandma’s Already Overstepping


Red flag alert: If grandma-to-be is pushing boundaries before your new little one arrives, chances are it’s only going to escalate once Baby is here. Some common signs of overstepping include:


  • Offering unsolicited parenting advice.

  • Criticizing your birth plan or parenting choices.

  • Referring to the baby as “our baby.”

  • Dismissing your rules with phrases like, “Rules don’t apply to grandmas!”

  • Planning things for the baby without consulting you or your partner.


Excitement about becoming a grandparent is one thing, but treating herself like the third parent is another. Trust your instincts—if her behavior feels overwhelming now, you’re wise to think it could get worse later.


3. Grandma Has a History of Spanking Her Children


Let’s call it what it is: spanking is just a softer word for physically assaulting children. If grandma-to-be used hitting as a “parenting tool” in her own parenting, it’s not unreasonable to worry about what she might think is acceptable as a grandparent.


Protecting your child from physical or emotional harm is non-negotiable, and keeping abusers away from your baby is common-sense parenting.


As I often tell clients: you know what’s better than having a grandma? Not being traumatized by one.


4. Grandma’s Homophobic or Transphobic


Bigotry doesn’t take a back seat when a baby is born. If grandma-to-be holds hateful views against LGBTQIA+ people, don’t assume she’ll leave those opinions at the door when she visits. Her prejudice will either harm your child directly (if they’re LGBTQIA+) or indirectly by teaching them to be discriminatory, too.


Think about it this way:


  • Your LGBTQIA+ child could grow up feeling unloved or ashamed of who they are because you gave validity to Grandma’s intolerance by keeping her around.

  • Your non-LGBTQIA+ child might mimic her hatred, which could result in causing harm to others (and possibly calls from school).


No matter how you frame it, there’s no place for bigotry in your child’s upbringing.


5. Grandma Doesn’t Respect Boundaries


Healthy boundaries are critical in parenting. Babies come into the world communicating their needs through cues and cries—essentially setting boundaries from day one. How will Grandma handle those moments?


If she’s already ignored or dismissed boundaries you’ve tried to set with her, it’s unlikely she’ll be quick to respect your baby’s signals. For example, imagine your newborn cries to signal they need to eat, but Grandma insists on “just a few more pictures” because she’s not ready to stop.


Here’s the ultimate test: think about how Grandma has responded in the past when you tried to set boundaries. Did you feel safe saying no, or did you avoid conflict to keep the peace? If the answer leans toward the latter, this might be the sign you need to reevaluate her involvement in your baby’s life.


Final Thoughts


Welcoming a new family member is a transformative journey, and not everyone deserves a seat on the ride. If grandma-to-be is invalidating, overstepping, unsafe, bigoted, or unable to respect boundaries, going no contact might be the best thing you can cross off your to-do list for both you and Baby.


Remember: you don’t owe your parents or your partner’s parents a relationship with your child. Protecting your peace and creating a nurturing environment for your family isn’t selfish—it’s responsible parenting.


Trust yourself. You’ve got this.

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