“The single hardest burden for a human being to carry is a lack of nurturance in childhood.” - Steven C. Hayes
I talk a bunch on this blog about the mother wound, but I don’t often share the personal details of my own experiences with an abusive mother. Today, I’m doing just that.
While journaling—one of my favorite tools for healing the mother wound—I created a list of 40 things that I believe contributed to my own mother wound.
I’m sharing it here, not to compare pain or suggest that my mother wound is “the worst mother wound” (the Trauma Olympics are the worst). Instead, my hope is that reading just one experience on my list might help someone out there know they aren’t alone.
Maybe that someone will be you! If so, I hope you’ll feel seen, validated, and a little less alone.
New to the mother wound? Here’s a bit of helpful info before we dive in.
What is the Mother Wound?
The mother wound refers to all the pain or trauma we experience within our relationship with our mother beginning in childhood and extending into adulthood. It also includes all the ways we learned to cope with that pain—like gaslighting ourselves, avoiding necessary conflict, or being overly critical of ourselves.
Not everyone’s mother wound looks the same. Some may have experienced neglect. Others may have felt emotionally unsafe. Some people were criticized, controlled, or made to feel like they could never measure up.
But no matter what it looked like, your pain is real and worthy of care and compassion.
Now let’s get into that list of 40 things I told you about!
My Mother Wound Is…
Mom making me feel like I was responsible for her happiness.
Mom taking 12-year-old me to Weight Watchers because I “could stand to lose a few pounds.”
Mom saying, “Stop. Don’t tell me. I don’t want to know how Dad hurt you.”
Mom treating me like her personal therapist instead of a child.
Mom criticizing her body in front of me, saying, “Having you kids ruined my body.”
Mom making me feel like I had to take care of my siblings when I was just a kid.
Mom gaslighting me with, “You’re just looking for things to be upset about,” when I shared how she hurt me.
Mom using her religion to shame and scare me about my body and sexuality as a teen.
Mom screaming, “You’re not part of this family!” several summers ago.
Mom telling family and friends I have a mental illness I’ve never been diagnosed with—and ignoring my repeated pleas to stop.
Mom slapping me across the face as a teen and blaming me for making her angry.
Mom pinning 11-year-old me to the floor when I was scared and crying, instead of helping me feel safe.
Mom telling my brother not to include me in his wedding party because I was “mentally ill.”
Mom calling me a bitch more times than I can count.
Mom completely cutting me off when I tried to reconcile in 2023.
Mom repeatedly saying my chest was “too big.”
Mom forcing me into photo shoots as a child while I cried—and then hanging those pictures of me crying on the walls.
Mom refusing to help me when I was struggling to make ends meet as a young mom because “We don’t help married people.”
Mom saying, “You’d be so much prettier if you lost 10 pounds.”
Mom expecting me to be quiet and soft spoken because I’m a woman.
Mom refusing to let me borrow her spare truck when my car broke down—even though my siblings could use it whenever they wanted.
Mom staying silent when other adults hurt me.
Mom lying to my sister to drive a wedge between us.
Mom saying, “I don’t have to support you,” when I asked her for support during a tough time.
Mom brushing off my bullying experiences with “That boy’s just doing that because he likes you.”
Mom body shaming me by saying, “Those jeans don’t do anything for your butt.”
Mom saying, “At least you know you can get pregnant,” after I had a miscarriage.
Mom choosing my abusive dad over me. Every. Single. Time.
Mom banging on my windows and going door-to-door to my neighbors last summer when I wouldn’t let her in.
Mom driving away and leaving me and my baby alone in a parking lot on a freezing winter night.
Mom cutting me off and telling family and friends that I cut her off.
Mom treating me like a possession instead of a person.
Mom saying adopting a child would be “like killing your real baby” when I was experiencing infertility.
Mom forcing 14-year-old me to keep seeing a chiropractor who was touching me inappropriately, even after I told her.
Mom keeping me from seeing my best friend whenever she was giving my best friend’s mom the silent treatment.
Mom forcing me to follow her religious beliefs instead of letting me decide for myself.
Mom making me feel like my feelings were wrong if they didn’t match hers.
Mom playing favorites by paying for my siblings to go to college but not me.
Mom giving me the silent treatment so often that I grew up thinking ignoring people was the normal way to handle conflict.
Mom playing the victim still to this day instead of apologizing for the pain she’s caused.
Final Thoughts
Did you see yourself in any of my mother wound experiences? Perhaps something on my list reminded you of a mother wound memory of your own?
Regardless of how similar or different your mother wound story may be compared to mine or anyone else’s, your mother wound remains valid and real.
Gentle reminder: You don’t have to justify your mother wound or your feelings about your mom to anyone.
Ready to Take the Next Step?
The Mother Wound Project is the number one therapist-recommended organization dedicated to helping you heal the mother wound. Check out our two bestselling resources to start healing today:
📖 Reclaim: A 60-day guided journal that helps you heal the mother wound through gaining clarity about your mom and how she’s affected you, rewriting your story, and reconnecting with your true self. Click here to buy Reclaim.
🤝 Breakthrough: Join a compassionate mother wound membership community where people just like you are healing the mother wound together using the same proven tools and strategies Stephi uses with her clients. Click here to learn about Breakthrough.
Remember, you deserve to heal, and you’re worthy of peace and love. Always.
