Content Warning: This blog post discusses harmful endorsements of mistreatment by a prominent mental health professional in the estrangement field and may be distressing to some readers. Please check in with yourself before continuing.
As someone specializing in both healing the mother wound and going no contact, I’m often asked for book recommendations.
In fact, within my membership community, I dedicate entire posts to sharing my favorite books on healing the mother wound and going no contact because:
I love to read (more on that in a minute).
I know from personal experience just how life-changing a well-written book can be.
Unfortunately, something else I’ve learned as a mother wound survivor and an estranged adult child myself is this: reading the wrong book when you’re working to heal from trauma can be invalidating at best—and re-traumatizing at worst.
That’s exactly why I take the book recommendation side of my work so seriously. My top priorities are to:
Spare survivors of parental trauma the emotional toll of reading harmful books.
Connect them with powerful, transformative books that support genuine healing.
A less noble reason? I just flat-out love to read! At any given moment, you’ll find towering stacks of books on my nightstand with titles like But It’s Your Family, The Emotionally Absent Mother, The Better Boundaries Workbook, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, and You and Your Adult Child.
(And yes, about those 15 overstuffed bookshelves of mine… In my defense, if your shelves aren’t bending under the sheer weight of your collection, are you even doing it right? 🤓)
One of the best perks of my work is getting to read so many incredible books. (“Oh no, I have to read these three new self-help books for work—what a tragedy!” /s). And because I’m constantly learning about new titles from my clients and my Breakthrough members, I don’t expect my reading list to shrink anytime soon.
But circling back to an important point: Not every book with a pretty cover—or even heaps of glowing reviews—deserves a place on your shelf or in your healing journey.
This is exactly the case with Joshua Coleman’s Rules of Estrangement.
Why I Was Initially Hopeful
When I first heard about Rules of Estrangement, it seemed promising. A psychologist, widely considered an expert in parent-child estrangement, discussing parent-child estrangement? Call me intrigued.
Even the endorsements were impressive:
Lori Gottlieb, bestselling author and therapist, called it “a hopeful, comprehensive, and compassionate guide.”
Becca Bland, founder of Stand Alone, a UK-based estrangement support organization, praised it, saying, “I would recommend this book to anyone.”
Lucy Blake, a well-known estrangement researcher, described it as “essential reading” that explored estrangement with “kindness and compassion for all involved.”
These were professionals I respected in the field. Surely, a book so widely endorsed would be safe, thoughtful, and supportive for both parents and estranged adult children alike.
But as I turned the pages, my hope shifted—to concern—and eventually, to outrage.
What I Discovered Was Dangerous
Rules of Estrangement doesn’t just offer questionable advice.
It actively minimizes harm, normalizes abuse, and perpetuates emotional manipulation under the guise of professional wisdom.
I’m sharing this because people deserve to know the truth. If you’re a therapist or someone working with estranged parents or adult children, I urge you: Stop recommending this book.
Now let’s break down why.
1. Dismissing Accountability for Harmful Parenting
In Rules of Estrangement Coleman writes:
“Even if you made monstrously terrible decisions with your children, nothing makes you deserving of a life without them in it.”
Nothing, Mr. Coleman?
Not physical abuse? Emotional abuse? Neglect? Sexual abuse? Broken promises? Betrayal?
The truth is, estrangement doesn’t happen without cause. Adult children don’t cut ties on a whim—they often do so after years of boundary violations, invalidation, gaslighting, manipulation, and walking on eggshells.
To suggest that no level of harm justifies a child walking away denies reality entirely.
2. Downplaying Physical Abuse
Early on in the book, Coleman shares a personal anecdote:
“The first time my daughter referred to her stepfather as her other daddy, I almost smacked her across the face.”
While Coleman claims he didn’t go on to hit his 9-year-old daughter, he proudly describes getting into a lengthy power struggle with her, “through clenched teeth,” over who she was and wasn’t "allowed" to think of as her dad.
Let’s be clear: This isn’t an honest moment of self-reflecting on one’s parenting. It’s a troubling defense of asserting dominance over a child’s emotional autonomy.
And yes—this is the same daughter who later cut contact with Coleman.
3. Normalizing Verbal Abuse
In a section about managing the emotional impact of estrangement, Coleman tells estranged parents:
“Of course you’re always free to yell at your kid if you want to, but it may not feel very good if it only results in the door slamming shut again.”
Would Coleman say people are “always free” to yell at him? Or is it just children he reserves that treatment for?
By framing yelling as a “parenting choice” rather than as the verbally abusive behavior it really is, Coleman downplays the known harm such behavior causes.
Competent therapists don’t present verbal abuse as a valid communication tool—especially not with children.
4. Encouraging an “Us vs. Them” Mentality
Coleman also encourages estranged parents to view their children as adversaries:
“We need community because we’re not powerful enough to go up against our children alone.”
No wonder his own adult daughter went no contact.
This us vs. them mindset isn’t just dangerous—it’s not at all conducive to reconciliation, which Coleman claims he’s able to help with (to the tune of $995 for a single 45-minute session).
All grifts aside, healing broken relationships with adult children isn’t about estranged parents “going to war” against the very children they claim to miss.
What actually creates space for reconciliation? Estranged parents taking accountability for their role in the estrangement.
5. Promoting Emotional Manipulation
Coleman suggests that if estrangement were “fair” for parents (translation: not wrong on the part of estranged adult children), parents would:
“Get credit for all the money you spent on your child.”
“Get to make demands about how much time you could spend visiting with your children or grandchildren.”
Holy authoritarian overreach, Batman!
This “fairness” argument is just another one of Coleman’s many dog whistles for parental dominance and control.
Contrary to Coleman’s claims, healthy parent-child relationships aren’t transactional.
Provided your child with food, housing, clothing, shelter, and education? Congratulations! That’s called parenting.
No child owes their parent(s) a relationship—nor access to grandchildren—simply because their parents fulfilled their legal and ethical obligations to care for them.
And here I thought Millennials were the ones accused of wanting participation trophies! /s
6. Dismissing Emotional Pain as Overreaction
At one point, Coleman advises estranged parents to view their adult child’s absence as a positive thing so the child can:
“Calm the f*** down about whatever it is they’re so upset about.”
This flippant language isn’t just shocking coming from a therapist—it’s harmful.
It trivializes the genuine pain that precedes adult children deciding to estrange.
Estrangement isn’t chosen “for fun.” It’s a last resort, often for the sake of self-preservation and mental health.
7. Tone-Policing and Control
Coleman encourages parents to tone-police their children, writing:
“Ask for different behavior: ‘Do you think you could try to tell me that in a calmer way so I can focus on what you’re saying?’”
While certainly no one likes when another person is visibly upset with them, tone-policing is a form of emotional abuse that’s commonly weaponized to silence abuse survivors.
If a child is finally expressing anger after years of being hurt, demanding they speak “calmly” prioritizes the parent’s comfort over the child’s truth.
How You Can Help
Coleman’s Rules of Estrangement doesn’t come through on its promise of healing. Instead, it offers control tactics, entitlement, manipulation, emotional abuse, tone-policing, and blame-shifting—all dressed up as sound therapeutic advice.
If you’re a mental health professional or someone who works with estranged adult children and their families:
Stop recommending this book.
Seek out trauma-informed estrangement resources.
Share this article to raise awareness.
If you found this article helpful, please share it with your professional network and on social media.
Together, we can promote healing and recovery over harm and abuse.
You can make a difference. Let’s create safer spaces for estranged adult children—starting now.
